Regular's Tales

The ghastly truth was revealed to punters of the Port O'Leith this morning when they found their refreshments house cruelly shut by the evil Mary Moriarty.

A small and resentful crowd gathered at the door of the establishment during the morning and tried to reason with the defiant landlady. To no avail. Her screams could be heard from within cursing the workmen she had employed to force the locals away from their regular meeting place.

When one of her employees was seen hurrying up the other side of the street, things turned ugly, and a chase was only stopped when police, drafted in from Muirhouse specially, closed off the top of the street with an overturned bus.

A spokesperson for Mrs. Moriarty, speaking from a mobile phone smuggled in earlier, said "Mrs. Moriarty has nothing to say to these people at this time. They should move away from the door as they are causing Mrs. Moriarty unnecessary stress."

Further down the street, at Nobles Bar, the manager said it was bound to happen sooner or later. "She just wouldn't listen to reason. She's only got herself to blame."

Workmen arrived at 6am this morning in an unmarked van, which was then driven off at high speed under police escort. It is so far unclear what work is being carried out inside the building, rumours persist that Mrs. Moriarty is planning a surprise conversion into a wine bar. If such a threat became a reality, there would be a public outcry. Speaking from outside the establishment this morning, local stalwart wee  Leckky said "She has always sold rubbish, and there's nowhere else to get it. I am finished if this happens"

The crisis torn public house the Port O'Leith bar slipped further into chaos yesterday with a customer walk-out conducted in the late afternoon.

With the dust hardly settled over the closure of the pub last Wednesday, customers voted with their feet by moving en mass to Bar Java, some twenty or thirty metres further down Constitution Street.

Led (oddly enough) by the 'Queen of the Silver Dollar', customers quietly slipped out of the door over a period of half an hour, seemingly unhindered by the well known 'escape velocity' problems normally associated with the exiting of the establishment.

Horrified staff in Bar Java cowered behind the bar as they watched their quiet afternoon quickly turn to ratshit.

"Gie's a pint of the strongest lager you've got" barked Magnificat, patronizingly. Armed with a pint of Gorlsburg Ultraburp, he held court in the corner, glowering blackly. 'Deputy Dawg' attacked a plate of weird curly chips in mayonnaise. Most peculiar.

'Woolly Dave' and your correspondent clung determinedly to the bar, eyeing the panicky staff malevolently, and holding as complicated a conversation as possible under the circumstances.

Off duty staff sat in the background, whispering amongst themselves, until successfully making their escape in a people mover.

Finally, just as staff were losing all hope of salvation, the invasion was reversed. In a perfectly co-ordinated operation, the interlopers quickly made off, to sneak guiltily back into the Port O'Leith. within ten minutes, Bar Java was empty. Staff were left sifting through the rubble wondering what the hell all that was about.

With the departure of 'Boba Fett' the barman, and the arrival of 'Luursa' to replace him, the pub faces an uphill road ahead. The fact that once-loyal punters are willing to pay a massive 20p more for their fave tipple and have to sit in full view of the wife police patrolling the street means that the very foundations of customer loyalty are being shaken.

Iit should also be noted that Bar Java does not have anything like as nice a floor as the Port O'Leith.

Disaster looms, nae doot aboot it.

Last night a ghastly truth was revealed to unsuspecting punters and staff in the strife-riven Port O'Leith bar. The newest member of staff, 'Luursa' revealed that she was scared of heights! This crippling affliction bodes ill for working in the establishment. Apart from having to occasionally pry customers off the ceiling, the hatch behind the bar is frequently open, revealing a yawning chasm to the cellar below; dark, forbidding and harbouring monsters.

This will mean complete lack of access to the big fridge, and access to coffee machine involving a long journey round into customer territory. This trip could be combined with an ash tray run, but there may be health & safety considerations there.

Talking to our on the spot roving reporter yesterday, a heavily disguised Mary Moriarty said "this is a bolt from the blue. There was no mention of this during the interview and brain scans last week. It's a worry!"

Oh dear, problems, problems.

Scott