FROM SMALL ACORNS…

Anyone who was in The Port last Friday night could not fail to see the streaker that invaded the pitch.

After being at a celebrity bash at Slammers (a little known pub just 100 yards down the gutter) the Port o' Leith's resident super model and renowned party animal Gwenderline Macdribble triumphantly stormed into a packed bar holding her bounty aloft. All waited to see what the witch had managed to chorrie this time, when it became all too apparent. In behind her sidled the usually debonair and sophisticated little Al. Along-term shag of Gwenolla's and a part time secret agent for British Home Stores. Al composed himself as he realised there was no going back and coolly made a path between the hordes of Friday night revelers from the front door of the pub to the gents toilet at the back. Gwennima by this time had hidden her ill-gotten gains and busied herself alerting all the gay men in the bar to what had just walked in. Imagine their delight when the butch little Al stood before them with nothing to his name but an ill-fitting gingham blouse and a pair of workie's boots! This delight nearly turned to hysteria as the sisters of percy (Gwenimina, Tina & dj Slinky) ripped off the remaining offending garment.

However, it is at this point that the story turns a little sour. The hysteria of anyone who appreciates the male form was quelled by the distinct lack of it. Either the poor thing was suffering from stage fright or it has to be coaxed out with a top hat and a lion tamers whip. One eye witness said "well, I wis so disappointed I come all the way doon frae Kircaldy to see it and Mary covered it up with an oak leaf! From the way that Gwenathol smiles you'd think it were doon tae his knee! If you ken what I mean."

Despite the boos from his now disillusioned fans little Al could only be persuaded to don a pair of knickers for the duration of the evening. For his trouble he was crowned Mr Fly Fisher in the September edition of "The Tackler Magazine". However if you're thinking of buying it please be aware that the staples don't do him justice.

THE PILTON PISSED OFF

Well at long last the Port o' Leith has got a football team together. From Sea Cadets to Germans, from drunks to skunks to one legged black lesbian single mothers and a manager that doesn't turn up!
They played their first game last week and boy did they do well! We are all so proud of them, they managed not to disgrace the pub completely by winning. May the record show that they lost 30-1. Next week they are inviting the resident poofs to show them how to handle balls!

INTER-COURSE

A regular column devoted to all the foodies in the Port o' Leith. By foodie we are of course referring to those people who like to cook and eat well on a regular basis and not those who get a bulk buy discount at the local chip shop.

Blue soup.

2tbsp oil
1 onion finely chopped
3 cloves garlic sliced
1 red chili finely chopped
2 tbsp fresh ginger, grated
½ red cabbage
2 pts chicken stock
2 nests of noodles
seasoning
4 tbsp coconut milk
extra coconut milk to garnish

Heat oil and add onions, garlic, chili, and ginger, sweat over a low heat until soft .Add cabbage and stock and simmer 20min. Chuck in noodles and coconut milk cook for 4 min. Season to taste and serve with garnish. It's the dog's bollocks!