PORT O'LEITH THE PLACE WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR SHAME
 

INTERPOL

 

22nd September 2000   Issue1

FIRE IN THE BRIG

Rumours have been circulating that the Port o' Leith bar will be relocated to the site of the recently gutted relax market. After the Japanese bid for the Millennium Dome fell through, it is alleged that negotiations are now underway with a certain Ms Moriarty. The new site will have a number of added attractions including a body zone; dedicated to one nefarious karaoke singer, as well as an 'A' class garden including a collection of ornamental poppies, a children's play pit (28 feet deep) and a sound proof booth with a collection of ill conceived folk music, called the burn zone.

A spokesperson for the Port o' Leith said " there iz abzolutely no truth in any of these malicious lies and romourz! nor iz there any wine in my glass." shortly after Mrs. Norma Spey of Dick Terrace was asked to leave.

Police are still baffled by the fire in Great Junction Street (particularly as it happened in the middle of a petrol crisis) but they are appealing for witnesses and are anxious to trace an attractive mature lady with long blond hair last seen wearing culottes. If anyone does have information please contact…

story continues on page 49

 

Please note: the names of the innocent have been changed and for every story please read 'alleged' as the first word.

FIRST EDITION

You are witnessing history in the making. This is the first edition of the Port o' Leith's latest media masterpiece. We at Interpol have become increasingly aware that some of the patrons of this dynamo are falling out of step, as more and more of you click on line to read the latest gossip, an isolated group are emerging. Atumble down, shamble of the poor and the backward, a group through no fault of there own, too stupid to have internet access. And it is you. Yes you we aim to delight, amuse and insult. So pick up your copy of Interpol and relish in the destruction of the rain forest, as endless paper is wasted just for you!

If anyone would like to write stories, letters or comment for Interpol, please hand them into the bar staff. Where they will be carefully collated and burned. Thank you.


NORTH AND SOUTH

Well at long last! She's found someone else with buckets of cash. The errant sister of the gorgeous Barbara, ex catering student from this parish, Carol is leaving us next Monday to live in East London, South Africa with Bruce (sounds like he should be Australian!) May the babotie be with them!

CRAZY STREET DOES IT AGAIN

Well of all the people in all the world! Two of the best have decided to get hitched.

Fiona and Reynold had their engagement party last Friday in Slammers Bar. Scary,scary bar staff and tacky karaoke with a meat purveyors buffet and mingle followed by a decant to The Port and a follow on party at crazy street - a good time was had by all and we would like to thank Elvis for walking Glen home!

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