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This from Mavis Beacon, my writing teacher...
Sorry baby, but this one stinks. OK, you've made your
point - you don't like tabloid journalism, especially The Sun, so you take the piss a
couple of times. But you gotta realise when to stop. This formula's way past its sell-by.
And Bret Easton Ellis you certainly ain't. If you gonna write maggots, you gotta have a
jar of the fuckers right in front of your pretty li'l face.
magnificat interjects - But I didn't write the maggots...
Mavis - But
you thought about them din you? There in magnificat's bedsores...a seething mass of
maggots...
magnificat - How did you know that???
Mavis - I
made you what you are, honey. Don't ever forget it. And that Easton Ellis. He was a
student of mine you know - oh yes. He did great with the maggots - and so could you, but
with something else. You're suffering from what we in the writing biz call....
magnificat - yes???
Mavis - cowardice,
baby. If you gonna write horror, then write good horror. Don't lapse into self-parody half
way down. Instant Whip - Chow Mein...sucks, honey. And what was that in the pots
anyway? If it was piss then say piss. Don't beat about the bush. If you
can't cut the mustard, then keep out the fucking kitchen. Oh - another thing - if you
can't write a fuck, and I agree it's not easy, then don't even start it. "Continued
tomorrow" - the very idea! That's not what I expect from a student of mine.
magnificat, dejectedly - OK, ma'am. So what should I do now. Give up?
Mavis -
Haven't you spent all your life giving up? To get anywhere decent, you gotta show a little
guts sometime. Face it honey, you've not got forever left. What about Greaser and Stella?
You started that great, then chickened out, just like I thought you would. Or - perish the
thought - try one of those ditties in your list up above. Some great topics there. But cut
the "SHOCKS" - they're so formulaic and cliche-ridden the readers could
practically write them themselves.
magnificat, excited now - Mave!! You've just given me one helluva good idea! Now -
if x stands for a missing letter....
CLOCK THAT CLICHÉ!!
Hint: The subject is topical, and the date is June 2
1998. The World Cup footie team has been selected, unlike a certain Paul Gascoigne, who
wasn't. Word is he was pretty effing mad!! Now who's he gonna call??
So here we go - remember one x for
every missing letter. Bottle of delicious Marquis de la Tour Brut for the best xxxxxxx!
xxxx xxxx, xxxxxxxxx!!
SHORT SHARP XXXXX!!
magnificat pops up helpfully: there, that was a nice easy start.
Now see how you manage with the Sub-header...
XXXXX FLIES HOME TO XXXXXX!
xx xxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx, Nora
Ballsoff.
"xxx xxx, xxx - ah'm totally gutted about this," xxxxx
xxxx, forlornly. "It was a birruva shock, ah can tellya, specially as ah xxxxx'x xxx
x xxxxx xxx xxx last nine days, xxx xxx'x."
xxxxxxxx xxxx xxx terraced house in Wxxxxxxx xxxd xxxxxxxxx, the star
carelessly ripped off the top of x xxxxxx xx xxxxxxxxx xxxxx xxx, with his
expensively-xxxxxx xxxxx, and lit an xxxxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxx, while xxxxxx xxxx xxx xxx.
magnificat: ok so far? Yeah - easypeasy. Now let's
turn up the heat a bit...
"I agree ah like x xxxxx xxx x xxxxx, and ah love xxxxxx xx xx
xxx xxxxxx," he grinned, xxxx xxxx famous twinkle xx xxx xxx, "but that's nae
reason ter rob x xxx xx xxx livelihood, noo issit?"
"xxxxx'x xxx xxx, pet," xxxxxx xxxx, handing him a tray
with three large xxxxxx xxxx and a plate of bread soldiers. "xxx xx xxxxxx xx xxxx
xxxd."
"xx, xxx," xxxxx xxxxxxx, playfully xxxxxxxxx xxxxxx'x
tight xxxx xxxx.
So xxxx xxx xx xxxx xxxx having him home so soon, x xxxxx xxxxxx.
"x xxx relieved, xx xx honest," xxxxxx xxxxxxx. "Those xxxxxxxx wives can
be a xxxxxxxx bore. And xxx xxxx make-up in xxx xxxxxx xx xxx afternoon...so fucking
tacky, xx xxx xxx xx.
"It's not xx xxxx xx xxx, standing in 6 inch xxxxxxxxx with a
xxxxxxx hairdo discussing xxxxxx xxx Keirkegaard on a rainy xxxxxxxx afternoon, " xxx
xxxx xx. "The xxxxxx xx xxxxx I've heard Bxxxxxxx xxxxxxx deconstructed behind xxx
gxxxxxxxx you xxxxxx'x xxxxxxx."
xx xx xxxxxxxxx...
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