Tia Maria

GAY PORTILLO THRILLA!!

By our Westminster Correspondent, Phil McCafferty

9.9.99

The story so far....

Michael Portillo was a key member of Mrs Thatcher's and John Major's Cabinets. Defence Secretary, in fact. He is handsome, swarthy, and with lips that could suck a man dry from 100 feet. At the last election he was very publicly defeated and humiliated by the Labour candidate, whose name escapes me, but whose orientation doesn't. (Editor's note: it was Stephen Twigg - known affectionately as Twiglet.) And it wasn't Chris Smith. Or Peter Mandelson. Oh no - Her Majesty's Government is absolutely crawling with gays these days. Gays and Scots - but not, strangely, any gay Scots! (Or are we deceiving ourselves, Gordon!?!!) Porn-kings from around the globe have made substantial offers to Number 10, begging to film a Cabinet Meeting.

Mr Portillo is at present under consideration for the candidature of Kensington and Chelsea, vacant because of the untimely death of Alan Clark, the well-known heterosexual philanderer and adulterer. Yesterday he confessed to The Times that he "had had homosexual sex, a long time ago, when he was young, a student, that sort of thing".

But today Michael Portillo ("Miguelito" to his more intimate friends) poured out his heart much more fully to The Sun.

Sipping from a crystal goblet of Tio Pepe sherry ("my uncle makes it, you know") Senor Portillo attempted to "set the record straight," as he somewhat unfortunately put it.

"Oh yeah, it's true," he began. "All those rumours about my young days, I mean. Used to shag like a bunny, morning noon and night, as I remember."

The Sun: Buck or doe?

MP: "No - I never took money, darling. Never had to really - didn't cost much to go to University those days - not like now after Margaret's bled them all dry." He stuttered then, anxiously. "I say, chaps - leave that bit out will you - nothing against the old girl really - she did her best with what she had."

The Sun: So was there any truth in the rumour flying around Fleet Street that he'd come out of the closet just to be a bit more "one of the boys"?

MP: "If you can't beat em, join em, you mean?" He laughed, and wiped his thick and ruby red lips. "Sure it's true that I got beat by a "maricon" last time," he reminisced, the hint of a frown crossing his smooth, moisturised brow. "But no - if you think I'm confessing just to enhance my chances, to separate my reputation from Alan's, then you are wrong, mi amigo, so very wrong."

The Sun: "Was he aware that The Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea contained possibly the highest proportion of gays in the whole country? That ever since the sixties, when Russell Harty lived in Lexham Gardens, (and magnificat too, coincidentally) the place has been a dick-magnet par excellence, if you'll pardon the French?"

MP: "Es igual," he began. "Sorry - I mean it's all the same. No, I never knew that." He glanced at his Rolex. "Look boys - I gotta run now. Got an interview with The Pink Paper in half an hour, and my chauffeur's offered me a bj if I let him have the car tonight. De nada! "Hasta la vista, muchacha!!" he shrieked, flapping his wrist for artistic effect. Suited him, kind of.

The Sun says: What do YOU know about Michael when he was a student? Were you his LOVER, or maybe just his "good friend?" Was his nickname really "TIA MARIA"? Is it true about all those afternoons in the local SAUNA? If you have any hot gossip at all just phone "The Sun Portillo-line" on 0171 669 6969. All contributions will be generously rewarded.