GAYS IN MILITARY SHOCK!
Where's the bloodshed??
By our Gay Military Correspondent, Michael Portillo (Pillow-biter and former Defence Secretary)

Editor's note: In the British Armed Forces it is a martial offence to be homosexual. Not to do homosexual acts, simply to be gay. Suspects are pursued and investigated with a viciousness which leaves the Inquisition standing, and such investigations have in the past led to suicides.  Earlier this week the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg ruled that this position was in violation of the Convention, and was thus unlawful.

Despite knowing that this ruling was pending, and being aware of its likely judgement, Her Majesty's New Labour Government has continued to discharge from the Services more than sixty men and women suspected of homosexual orientation in their private lives, such people losing all accrued rights.

I stop here, as I sense magnificat is (as usual) bursting to get in on the act...

Thank you, darling. It's long been my contention that not only should gay men be allowed into the army, they should be forcefully conscripted, replacing the str8 guys who can then be more usefully deployed in Salons, Bingo Halls, Nursing Homes etc.

How come? Well, let me recount an interchange that happened only last week, in East Timor, between Lt Butch "Skippy" Masterson (29) of First Australian Lances and Shivendraneth Ganesh (21) of the East Timorese Defence Organisation.

Picture this scene: these two devastatingly good-looking young soldiers are heavily-armed and stripped to the waist in the intense tropical heat. Remember Kevin Dillon in Platoon? Well, exactly like that.

Facing each other with rifles cocked, they glare across the desolate waste ground of no-man's-land. Trained to hate, conditioned to kill without mercy, these handsome warriors nervously eye each other up.

Butch: Hey man - I really like your hair!! What do you put on it?

Shiv: Thanks dude. Me, I'm a Pantene Pro-V man myself! What about you?

Butch: Strictly Head and Shoulders here, man.

Shiv: EEeeek!!! You've not got DANDRUFF?? How gross!!

Butch: No way, dude!! I use it regularly, and Always Read the Label!!

Shiv: Oh. That's different. Wanna wrestle me to the ground?

Butch: You got it man. Yo!!

In the ensuing highly-charged, homo-erotic wrestling match, it was recorded that Lt Butch took pole position and entered the younger man with only token resistance being offered.
Australia 1, East Timor 0

Soon the East Timorese struck back with their own elite crack squads, and in the subsequent battle, sponsored by IBM Solutions for a Small Planet, a narrow victory was awarded to Australia. Much cracking of Fosters tinnies and girlish shrieking could be heard throughout the night, as the troops cemented and re-cemented their new international relations.

There were casualties, of course. How could you have a war without some suffering? But a few broken nails, three bruised egos and a couple of ruined reputations were as nothing compared to earlier, heterosexual battles. And so the face of modern warfare was set. Meanwhile the former str8 soldiers had a great time learning how to do blonde streaks, call bingo numbers in sparkly jackets, and put incontinence pads on old ladies.

Now that's real man's work.

Editor's note: Article from The Pink Paper here.