In a shock ruling of the NATO Supreme Council, the Serbian people were this morning found guilty of the following crimes
against humanity:-
Failure to watch sufficient Hollywood movies.
(The fact that the Serbs couldn't understand a word of them was not held as sufficient
justification. Arnie doesn't talk much anyway, but boy has he got a big gun.)
Insufficient consumption of Coca Cola, MacDonalds
FamilyMeals, and Marlboro cigarettes.
A complete lack of understanding of and/or
empathy with Friends and The
Simpsons.
A total lack of oilfields.
A wasted generation of young men who cannot
afford to buy Adidas or Nike shoes, and resolutely refuse to wear their baseball caps
reversed.
Possessing only 3 PC's in the whole country, and
insisting on running them on Windows
3.1
Drinking far too much local vodka, and purchasing
almost no cocaine at all.
Living far too close to the former Soviet
Union.
"The American People will NAT STEND BAH
and watch our precious values being undermined like this," the President said,
hastily zipping up his trousers before his morning Press Conference. (No...we will NOT
write "pants")
"This morning I have instructed -
sorry...make that consulted...the NATO Supreme Command to take WHATEVER STEPS ARE NECESSARY to bring these people into line, so that after bombing the shit
out of them, we can give generous aid at exorbitant rates of interest to enable them to
buy into the American Way of Life. It's for their own good, really."
"Excuse me, Mr President," a
flaxen-haired young woman shouted from the Press Pack. It was Lisa Simpson. "How does
this offensive compare with your recent bombing of Iraq?"
"Hey, Lisa...that's wholly
inappropriate," the President angrily retorted. "That's a question no man should
be required to answer."
"Why not?" Lisa pressed on. "I ask
my dad stuff like that every episode."
"Young lady - you know perfectly well that
when I bombed that Evil Genius Saddam, I was embroiled in a domestic dispute and about to be impeached.
This present... skirmish... bears no relation - no relation at all - to
that time."
"But isn't your wife about to leave
you?" Lisa pressed on. "Do you really think it's fair to wipe out thousands of
innocent people who can't afford to buy our exports just so you can distract the world's
media from your marital problems once again?"
"End of Conference," the President
declared then. "I've got a call waiting from that ugly little Scotch guy -
what's his name?"
And the President stormed angrily off the stage,
leaving Vice President Gore to interview Ms Simpson about a possible internship.
