MUTANT SWAN
SHOCK!!
By our Frankenstein Reporter, Gene
Pitney
We can however pre-empt Mr Rudden by exclusively
revealing that MONSANTO, the American Franken-Food giant, is working flat out round the clock in the race to
analyse Darren's genotype.
"Swans are 85 percent human, you know," a lab worker, who cannot be
identified, confessed to us from Seattle, Washington. "But it's the other 15
percent that makes them edible. Or would do, if the fuckers didn't stink so much in the
cooker."
Monsanto are investigating ways of inserting microwaveable
tikka masala genes into Darren's muscular
backside.
And what of rumours flying round Constitution
Street that Monsanto are also secretly injecting swan genes into human claimant volunteers?
"Man
- that's more than my life's worth, to comment on that," our mole gasped, audibly.
"But let me just say this...where do you think those damn pictures of Angels came from down the
centuries? Think about it dude."
At
that there was the sharp crack of gunshots followed by screaming, and the line went
suddenly dead.
Port o Leith regulars have been heard to comment that
John Macaulay
has been looking somewhat angelic of late.
